There is no celebration on this day, but much reflection. Maybe divorce can be prevented. This needs to happen before kids.
I picked a nice man, with reasonable potential. I used to say that couldn't have seen this coming if I had the same information. But what I know now are the following:
When things fall apart, and your family fixes things for your marriage to stay together, you can find yourself somewhere you shouldn't be. If you can't do it alone, step back, take your family out of the picture, and then decide.
Most friends can't tell you the truth. Most friends you invite to your wedding won't be your friends in 15 years. Ask the hard questions, expect discomfort and lies, but better to know who your true friends and what they really think at the beginning of the relationship, because if you don't, you will only know it for sure it at the end.
Some men regress after marrying you. Mine did, in the most extreme way I have ever seen. It paralleled living with an alcoholic, without the unpredictability. Major failures at the beginning of your marriage can be enough to derail it permanently. If you are the cause of these events, take account and act early. Be honest, responsible, reliable, sorry. Make reparations. They will never be enough, so you can never stop. Commitment is patience with sacrifice. This will be enough in time.
If you are the injured party, be kind, open and strive to teach, not judge. But your ideal of marriage is not a reason to prop up your uncommitted partner. Your commitment will never be enough, if your partner does not step up. Allow yourself to grieve, but leave. Your pain will only be in proportion to your ongoing stupidity. You deserve more.
I knew I had a romantic notion of love. I had thought about it from a young age. I have read about it, dreamed about it, lived it. I know my role is never to be taken for granted as a woman. I am an afterthought in our society still. I am not mistaken for the leader. I am often not asked my opinion. My opinion, when voiced, is often dismissed. Women have gained many things in society. My university education was never in question. My acceptance to medical school was not about my gender. But despite being the sole breadwinner in a household for over a decade, I still did more housework then my "stay-at-home househusband", and not because I wanted to.
Men also have a romantic view of love. They have expectations that they may never have thought about. They more than likely have lived a naive entitled existence, and will act accordingly. They will think that "helping you" is sharing responsibility. They are too often taking the easy road and sharing much less of the cognitive responsibility. They were taught to act sexually and confidently, without having many tools to meet woman's emancipated understanding of struggle. Philosophy degrees do not connote more understanding. You will have to insist on not being their mother, their prostitute, their subjugate. It is their fault, but not until they see it is it conscious. Consciousness is the first step to true communication. This process is slow, and if you are lucky, their mothers and sisters and colleagues and girlfriends will have done some of the work before you.
We are in an era where the ideal of marriage is less of a pressure, and in Quebec, the legal obligations so unfairly protected, that a long term relationship is more likely taxable than legal. I am not sure I am proponent of marriage anymore, but I do think committed relationships are ideal. For more on the history and thoughts from author Elizabeth Gilbert, her book
Committed is a great read.
The success or struggle of marriage is decided in the events of conflicts. It doesn't matter about your compatability in the good times. It is decided in the bad ones, which are more marked if they happen in the early years. Some interesting factors are raised to be predictable in these cases, and can be seen in a
TED talk I recently watched by a psychiatrist Dr George Blair-West. He believed that divorce can be prevented, and that while you are dating, you can see whether this might be a relationship that lasts. He starts with a list of most distressing human experiences. Number one was death of a spouse. Number two is divorce. Number three is marital separation. Number four is being imprisoned in an institution. I am proud of my insistence to stay in mediation where I was disadvantaged, because divorce felt better than separation, although separation from my child was the true suffering. This is the interesting take home message in 3 points:
1. Get married older.
I picked the right age. Marrying at 30, you are more likely to be the personality that you will stay, to some degree. It was not enough.
The next two points are what I learned myself. I thought I knew the factors involved in a happy successful marriage. But what counts, really, is how to see the things that destroy a marriage. Apparently it had nothing to do with me. Women are influenceable. Not all men are. But what they are matters.
2. You husband needs to be influencable. The most stable and happy relationships are those where the couples share power. Men who allow women into the decision-making process are called influenceable. This trait also make better fathers.
If your husband holds all the power, it is like drowning. If he quits his job, leaves every responsibility to you, vetos your decisions, you may be an emancipated woman with income and intelligence, but if you don't have influence, you are more impotent than the unemployed man on your couch.
3. You both have to be reliable. The older we get, the more important this is. It doesn't matter if your partner can make you believe all things are possible. It matters that when the opportunity arises, you can rely on them. That means no task can be passed off. You need to learn how to cut your kid's nails when they are too long. You need to see the house needs cleaning, not be asked. And when you mess up and need to be asked, you can't take 7 months without an answer or update or explanation.
Dave Williams says it best, in his book,
Defying Limits: "Commitment demands two things: patience and sacrifice". If your partner doesn't make sacrifices on your behalf, but you do for them, say good-bye. Your endurance will only make things harder for longer. You will have to forgive yourself the image you had of your ideal. It will not solve the problem of a bad relationship. You are worth it.
