AN INTROVERT'S MANIFESTO

I am an introvert. Probably I am a shy introvert. But I have spent my career trying to live as the expected extrovert, and learning some very bad habits.

My job, like many in public service, puts me in contact with a lot of people. Professionalism does not allow me to avoid the very thing that takes my energy. I must talk to patients and staff and families, be interrupted from tasks to communicate and act. Sometimes it takes me days to recover.

But before this was my job, it was more acceptable to be a quiet observer and thinker. I was a student, after all, and spent hours every week in my own head, praised for my conscientiousness and careful work, and given hours of time to process and evaluate per hour of class interaction.

Back then, when I was asked what animal I most identified with, it was a deer. A lot has changed. If you ask me today what animal I most identify with, it is a shark.

So what has happened?

In the last twenty, maybe 30 or 40 or 50 years, our society has become obsessed with efficiency (because this makes things cheaper), and performance is often based on the appearance of efficiency. Those who act are valued over those slow to act. But reacting isn't the best solution long term. You need to create the way the world flows past you, not just be able to swim in the stream. Acting with purpose and forethought is how an introvent best creates a better environment.

So I have realized, after twenty five years of cultural indoctrination, that I have lost my skills as an introvert, but react with the best of them, living in a stress response state like a shark. I am almost never, even at home in my own family environment, acting in an unstressed introverted way. I have lost my skills to listen, consider, and even be conscientious. I am trying to find a way to express myself, and not be a doormat, but often speak up to even the "fairness" of the conversation balance, and find myself unskilled in turning into my words into something practical.

I am trying to rediscover these skills, and give myself time to recouperate. I am trying to be alone without feeling lonely. I am trying to resist the urge to believe my culture that I am not as good as someone who recharges around people and doesn't find themselves in their most stressed state most of the time at work. It's a work in progress; like most everything.

Sometimes I imagine a world where my boss schedules me with a day off every couple of shifts so that I recouperate my energy. Where my colleagues would think twice about interrupting for every single thought they have, considering that I was "thinking", and waiting until they had done their full assessment before asking me what was already documented. I wonder what it would be like if the doctor who led a trauma or a code who was quiet would be listened to, instead of being talked over or pushed aside. I wonder what a band of misfit introverts could do in our system if we had power and control over the budget. Keep dreaming.