It has been ten months since I last worked in the health care system, and I am still being told that I am on the resting stage. It is taking so long and the likelihood of me returning to the work that was my passion for over twenty-five years is extremely unlikely. I am not even sure how a return to work anywhere would be possible, honestly, but I am trying to be patient and find myself wandering around aimlessly which is actually putting my home life back together slowly. Very slowly!
My official leave ends at the end of this month (August 31st, actually, but that was a mistake!) and if I imagine returning to work in less than 3 weeks, I have not done enough. I can panic so easily, and avoid the tasks that most need doing. I see the thankless jobs done at customer service desks in grocery stores and wonder how I would even do that without cracking!
But as long as I have, and in the moments in between when I have to return to useful work, I will enjoy finishing one thing at a time, as it comes. I will enjoy that I can change tasks so that I can do something else even if it's not the most pressing. I will enjoy dreaming of paint colours and inventing things from the things in my house. I will read books and draw and mend and write. I will be silent alone, and enjoy the company of others. I will reach out when it might be inconvenient and have answers for others that they might not want to hear, but I will be okay with allowing myself to do what I feel is best for me. I will negotiate without imploding in childlike helplessness. I will not accept when others cannot meet me where I want them to be, and I will be for myself what I need anyways. I will be open to the love and care of others and learn to trust and be generous again. I will not keep a record of wrongs or add up in a zero sum way. I will believe in growth that is synergistic and not selfish. I will accept responsibility but not be held liable for things that were not under my human control. I will hope for others to love me, and I will learn to love with more acceptance, and continue to improve the way I recognize and communicate my needs.
I will be happy to serve others as long as I am meeting my own needs first. I hope I can get to the recovery phase soon, but I am grateful to rest a little longer.
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