I didn't want it to be this way. Having your dad take you back to school shopping after a terse text session that I thought would end in a phone call, and a resolution with your best in mind, but instead it was as I should have expected, a degenerating clash of egos and a line I have drawn with a black sharpie over which I feel more taken advantage of than I can bear.
You came with me to Regina for two week near the end of summer. It was the best trip of my life to date, mostly because you were there, and you saw what I loved, and you loved it too. In terms of time with me, it was the maximum your dad and I have agreed you should be away from a parent, for our sakes as much as yours. I had been away from you for a similar period of time in February to go on a snorkelling cruise with Sarah, and then watch LIT with your cousin for the first time on the team. It was supposed to be tit for tat. Before we left, I had to work my shifts, and the week before it was camp. So before I knew it, it was back to school and you weren't ready. This has never happened before and I was okay with it, thinking we would spend a few hours this afternoon, which was the first time I was free, the day before school started. (I was working the last three days and away from home over 40 hours during that time, so I didn't have time before). I was just about to mow the lawn and was planning to look through our piles and then pick you up by bike to go to Walmart, when your dad texted:
Can you bring the car today svp? I want to do this fast.
Since I had hoped to meet you on bike and had planned a back street route that you would like, I said:
I checked the distance and it's 2.2 k, less than the distance between our homes. I would like to encourage less pollution and exercise, and it won't be more than a few minutes extra each way. Please.
While I was mowing the lawn (the dandelions were crazy tall after 2 weeks and 3 days) he texted:
How about I just take the bus with her to Walmart today and you two can get whatever is missing or fun stuff on Saturday when she is back with you. Text us with any items you found that we don't need to buy.
This was disappointing, and didn't involve you at all, and I hadn't had time to go through your stuff yet, so I wrote:
Why didn't you just say no yesterday instead of disappointing two girls today?
While I was in the shower, he wrote:
I thought we were all going in the car. I only have her this one week in a five week period so I want to spend as much time as possible with her.
To be clear, this was because of the unusual annual occurrence of our vacation, and his desire to "reset" the weeks so that he could see his new girlfriend on her biweekly schedule. Frankly, for a moment, because I am pretty touchy about his entitlement history, and just aware of the newly, never voiced before, assumption that he was coming, which really just meant that he had said yes for one reason. So I answered tersely, and I am sorry that I did not think through what I really want, which is for you to be happy and excited and prepared for tomorrow.
K, you are welcome to take her, but I am not coming to write the check.
I went downstairs and in your room and got some binders and markers and checked again, but there was no response. So I did what I should have done first, I called. But there was no answer. So between my message at 1:38 and my call at 2:01, you were gone. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, but it was disappointing that this text led to your dad leaving immediately without telling me. I wonder sometimes what he tells you. I hope you are not disappointed. I hope you don't feel torn, but I writing this with some heartbreak and many tears because I think you might. I am sorry for that. I am sorry for my part in this battle of egos. I am sorry that my attitude might have diminished the joy and added to the anxiety of tomorrow. You only start grade 6 once. I guess that I might not be there. I wasn't invited. I will try and invite myself because I want to be there and I don't work until the night, but permission might not be granted.
That is the sadness in all this for me. That I would invite K, to your summer birthday, to your garage sale day and daughter's day, on Christmas if it's my turn, to your ballet recital, because I know you will love it. But if the table's are turned, I am not invited. Not to Tremblant or Thanksgiving or Christmas or if it's the start of the year shopping. But if I'll drive, or buy, sure! Come on over! And I don't feel like he would even do it if you wanted, and that makes this very hard.
I don't like this example, and I don't want you to treat me as a pocketbook. I say no to him so that you don't act in this abhorrent way, but today this is the price to pay. He left with you to go shopping, probably angry, grumpy and anxious. That's not what I wanted for you today, but there is nothing I can do about it. He has no phone, so I got no answer when I wrote:
Please call me. Did you leave?
So I can tell you this, that if you can't coparent when you are together, it becomes nearly impossible to do so apart. I wonder what your perspective is on this. Do you feel under or overparented? Is it a huge difference one week to the next? I know that must be hard, and I only hope that it makes it possible for you to chose earlier what you need and what you want. I am always here, even when you are with your dad. And your dad is always there, when you are with me. But I can't make any promise that I can be part of your life if you dad does not wish it so on the weeks you are with him. For now, you need to know that you can invite your dad, but he often does not come, even when he says he will. If you choose, you can spend time with him when you are with me, because I want you to be happy, and I wish you could just do as like with a two way street. This is how I think you imagined it, and I naively thought would be possible. But this is not our fate, at least for now. Someday, you can make that choice. I want you to be happy. I hope you can find a way to feel loyal to both of us when only with one of us, and that you find a way to express your true self to both of us. What you think and say and do are important to us, and I want to hear more of it. Don't be afraid. Express yourself. Be brave.
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